Believe, Trust, Follow
"Wow." -That is a word I use a LOT.
It lends itself to describe my feelings on a lot of things...from the good -to the bad...even to the ugly.
It depicts my astonishment over many things...
It's what I wanted to say when my doctor looked at me in a sort of nervous way- and said the words "cancer" quickly, as if to get them out there in the open air--might relieve some of the stress she was feeling.
Her first words, "Well, I don't have good news for you", hung suspended, and I wanted to hit the rewind button and back track and maybe even have a re-do of the past few days events. But that wasn't happening. It was there. The test run- the mammogram and the ultrasound with the biopsy all told the facts of what was under the skin of me...but just so far. It couldn't get to the heart of me... that was and is only for God to see.
I sat on the back porch, ignored the obvious humidity and heat and drank my coffee at the beginning of that particular week and I felt a weariness and dread come over me--it knocked me backwards in my spirit. Have you ever felt spiritually knocked down? As if you were in a physically-real-fight?
A few months before that I had discovered what I felt could be a life altering lump. I followed all the routine and advised things- and it went from "we see it"--to "it's shrinking, must be a cyst". That was their words, not mine. But then things changed.
And that week, Fear sat on my porch--it even had the stinking audacity to do so with my Bible right in my lap! And Fear whispered all the nasty stuff in my head....All the what-ifs played out in my mind.
What if you have cancer?
What if you can't get to the mission field?
What if this is it?
What if you .......?
I cried. Admittedly, that was a bad day--an emotional day. A break-down day. A day when I didn't want to see anyone... but I had my Bible in my lap and it was open to the Psalms... I had been doing a lot of journaling from the Psalms...and praying.
"God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with its turmoil..." Psalm 46:1-3
"When I am afraid, I will trust in You, In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not fear." Psalm 56:3-4
Then I reminded myself (do you ever have to remind yourself of things?), I reminded myself WHOSE I was. And what HE had told me--and that HE had set our course--it was not something I had designed and planned--He planted the seeds of missions. And if He went to the trouble to set so many things up-- HE had a plan to use this. God never wastes anything in our lives when we are living for Him and walking with Him daily. Every day- I seek Him first--wanting HIS plans and purpose to be fulfilled in my life.
My baby girl, and my sister both said they had asked God to give it to them. I reminded them, God doesn't "give" cancer. God gives good gifts.
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things
to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11
No, God doesn't give cancer. Just like He doesn't give car accidents and dementia and Alzheimer's disease. Those are things that happen because we live in a fallen, sin ridden world...(but not for long!). They said this because they knew my heart for missions and they knew that I had my eyes set on the goal--they saw this completely as a derailment of the train. I made myself see it as a track change. Still headed to the same destination, but the detour would have to be made.
God will take the things that happen in our lives and work them for our good--or someone else's. It may not be about us...granted it may be happening to us or in our lives, but it may not be about us. He will strengthen us--and help us--but it may be for someone else all together.
I know you want to say, "do you mean God will allow someone to go through something tragic just for someone else?" Uhmmm......Remember Jesus?
Don't think for one second that I had it all figured out and that I was totally good with it all. I was not. I didn't have it figured out and honestly, I was afraid of what that Friday will be like, and the disfigurement that comes with breast cancer....and the pain.
No, I was not good with it--but I was, and still am good with my Father--and I knew HE had me in His hand and I've never left His sight...nor will I.
God has given us His Holy Spirit in advance...so that in times like these....His Presence never leaves you or me...ever. We can cling to this--HIS Word is true and He is faithful-throughout all generations.
His faithfulness didn't end when my God-fearing, Bible reading- church going grandparents passed away. His mercy is brand new every morning--and He is faithful to see and care for His children...of which I am one of.
Be gracious to me, God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in You. I will seek refuge in the shadow of Your wings until danger passes. I call to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me. Psalm 57:1-2 [emphasis mine]
I don't have all the answers. But I know now I don't have to have the answers....I just have to trust the One who does.
You do know that the enemy will pull all sorts of stunts to keep the Gospel from getting out there... and he'll stop at nothing--so that means we've got to be more determined than ever before.
We must be ever diligent about fully giving ourselves to Him--even if we have to do it every-single-day. All over again. At every obstacle...and around every curve in the road.
Because the world needs Jesus. The whole world won't accept Him...but for those who will heed His voice and follow Him, we need to tell them all....
© Angie Knight 2016, edited 2023. All rights reserved.
Edited from my jeffandangieknight.com mission blog.
© Photo descriptions: A planned subdivision in the north Georgia mountains in the fall of the year (2009),
The Jesus Saves sign: The Assemblies of God Heritage Center in Springfield, MO, 2016.
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